Shame

26 Aug

I have been talking to a friend today about losing weight, a lot of our discussion was about the ‘head stuff’.

Over the last year especially I have thought a lot about why I didn’t lose the weight years ago?

There is no simple answer but these are some of the things I can remember thinking about:

  • I don’t want to be a slave to calories or the scales, I was surrounded by girls I saw as being normal weight or even skinny who were obsessed with both.
  • I had no idea where to start, that eventually manifested itself as a perpetual feeling that I would fail so there was no point in even starting.
  • I was ashamed of myself and my life, I was fat, unhealthy and felt completely incapable of being loved for the majority of the time. I had lovely people around me who cared but I wasn’t being honest with them or myself and that was an awful feeling of guilt.

The shame thing is interesting now, it paralyses you emotionally, I couldn’t see that, in fact although I had felt pretty low for many years, what it was really doing was making it impossible for me to love myself.

Not only have I spent a lot of time getting my body healthy, I have spent time making sure my head keeps pace with that.

Never underestimate how important it is to give your head a good work out too! And me, well I do love me now!

And the photo, Take That, July 1st 2011 at Wembley Stadium, with my best friend, who I celebrate 25 years of friendship with next year and my pilates teacher who taught me how to get my feet behind my head in a matter of days – a good night! If you want to know why, check out the photo in my gallery, taken exactly 2 years before, 24 short months and a lifetime of change!

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