Fat & Happy?

18 Nov

I’ve been thinking a lot about this recently, for me it’s quite a soul searcher?

There’s been a lot of talk in the press about celebs who are losing weight, after the wonderful photos of Dawn French, there are new ones of Nigella Lawson, looking thinner and like Dawn very happy and postively glowing.

Of course the press have focused on the fact that while they were bigger that they presented themselves as happy, it’s almost now as if they are being punished for this and that they are now betraying the larger woman?

So as a larger woman was I happy?  Yes I told people that I was happy, this went on for years, I celebrated retailers who started to stock larger size clothes, I protested at the injustice I believed larger people were subjected to and I wanted acceptance no matter what my size?

Now I know differently. I know that because I couldn’t accept that changing was achievable, that this is a kind of security mechanism. I didn’t know what a smaller life could look like and I certainly didn’t think I could get there?

I don’t feel like I am betraying my old self, that wasn’t a real representation of what my life could be like.  When we are bigger we need reassurance, our self esteem is often very low, we present a happy front because we have to, if we’re seen to be bubbly and cheerful we gain acceptance from others and within we can convince ourselves that there isn’t a problem.

So Dawn and Nigella, carry on with what you’re doing, you look great and happy, you shouldn’t need to apologise for that?  I’m not saying that everyone needs to be thin (that’s a whole new post on how too thin can really age you), more that fit and healthy is important especially as you get older and that perhaps being bigger and happy isn’t always what it seems?  What makes me happy now are all the opportunities being smaller, fitter and healther than I have ever been and the realisation of what my bigger life was really like.

I found the photo yesterday – this is me in 2003 during a Comic Relief fundraising event – I didn’t sport pink pigtails normally – it’s a good example of looking big and ‘happy’, I can assure you, it wasn’t really the case, I just wasn’t ready to be honest with myself yet.

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